What if I don’t want to hate my parents?

I’ve seen a lot of complex trauma survivors struggle with the same fear: If I start to work through my trauma, does that mean I’ll start to hate my parents?

Oof. I see you. I hear you. I will hold this space with you.

Working through complex trauma is…well, complex. Usually, we weren’t outright abused or neglected. Often, we had all of our basic needs met and then some. Often, we did well in school, played sports, were involved in the community and in religious organizations, had friends, and overall seemed very “normal.” Something within us felt off, but we typically hid this from the world. We typically could appear happy and well-adjusted, and no one ever knew anything was wrong. We even struggled to understand for ourselves if anything was wrong, but we certainly felt like something was “off” internally, regardless of if it made sense or not.

When we start to learn about complex trauma, attachment trauma, and all kinds of subtle trauma, it only makes sense that we would start to see the gaps in how our parents raised us. And it only makes sense that we would start to feel a lot of things: anger, guilt, sadness, and confusion, just to name a few. Anger that this happened and our core needs were so deprived. Guilt because we assume our parents did the best they could and we don’t want to think badly of them. Sadness because we’ve had so much of it buried in us for a long time and acknowledging it finally allows it to begin to release. And confusion because basically everything we thought we knew is now subject to question. It’s overwhelming to say the least.

But to the question: What if I don’t want to hate my parents?

Working through trauma inevitably means that feelings will come up, and they won’t all be positive. It’s only realistic to imagine that you may feel some anger towards the people that raised you, as they were likely one of the most significant sources of your deprivation of core needs. Please hear this: anger isn’t a bad thing. Anger can mean that we’re waking up to injustice. We’re becoming more aware of what we need and what we deserve, and anger signals to us when something isn’t right. Anger has a very important role to play, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t continue to co-exist with someone who is the source of our anger.

Through therapy, we can have a safe place to work through our feelings about the people who raised us and who quite possibly are the main source of our trauma. We can prepare for future interactions with them and process afterwards what the interactions were like. We can figure out together what the benefits may be to continue having people in our lives that have hurt us, and we can figure out what boundaries might be set so we can make these relationships better.

Sometimes, we may realize that it’s in your best interest not to have relationships with certain people anymore. However, that will almost never be my first suggestion. I will always work with you to decide what’s truly best for YOU. Not only what’s objectively best for you, but what you actually want. Maybe you fully realize the stress of maintaining a relationship with a certain person but just aren’t ready to implement any boundaries yet. That’s okay. I’m here for you. We’ll do this at your pace. Generally, I am not about cutting people off. I am about you sitting with what YOU want and need and helping you make the choices, have the conversations, and set the boundaries that support the lifestyle you want to have. I am about you achieving the inner peace that you deserve, whatever that looks like day to day.

You will feel things towards your parents or whoever raised you, but hopefully you will not hate them. You may feel like you hate them at times, or maybe you actually will hate them, but for the most part you will accept that they are flawed humans with their own pain and trauma who attempted to do their best while raising you, and who generally mean well. And, at the same time, have never been and may never be quite what you need and deserve. We’ll work on helping you hold space for all of it, simultaneously.

Again, this is complex, my friends! I am here for you. I will never rush you. We will make sense of this, one bit at a time, at whatever pace you need, repeated however many times you need. Patience, curiosity, and compassion will be words you hear me say over and over - because they are so needed.

We are all humans with flaws. Generally, we are all doing the best we can with whatever resources, energy, and knowledge that we have. We will work on deciding who you want in your life and at what capacity, and setting boundaries on the relationships we may want to limit. It’ll take time, patience, and curiosity. If you are considering doing this work or are already in the midst of it, give yourself some praise!