What if you’ve been right all along?

Many of my clients are survivors of complex emotional trauma. That’s a fancy phrase for having your emotions dismissed or invalidated for most of your life, being gaslit by people you trusted, and overall learning to second-guess almost every instinct you have or decision you make. If you relate to this, you know it doesn’t feel good.

You also know that it can be extremely, extremely hard to trust that your experiences are real. You constantly wonder if you’re being dramatic or over-sensitive. You are terrified of people being upset with you and you work so hard to try to make everyone happy - often at your own expense. But you’re used to it. You’re used to pushing through and getting stuff done, regardless of whether you actually want to or not. You’re used to the feeling that if you don’t do it, nobody else will - or nobody else will do it right. You’re used to the weight of the world being on you, and you’ve never known it any other way.

Deep down, at points in your life, you’ve had a feeling that it shouldn’t be this way. You’ve had a feeling that it wasn’t fair how you were being treated. That it wasn’t fair that others seemed to skate by while you struggled to carry burdens that felt far too heavy. It wasn’t fair that others seemed to get praised for doing far less than you while your own accomplishments were shrugged off. It wasn’t fair that you were never allowed to break rules or make mistakes while others could. It wasn’t fair that others seemed to have such an easy time and have so much less pressure than you did.

But you never said anything - or maybe you did once or twice and it didn’t go well. You said something and were told you were overreacting. You were being dramatic. You were being too sensitive. It could always be worse. You shouldn’t be so negative. You should be grateful for what you have.

Upon hearing this, part of you felt deeply ashamed. You never meant to be negative. You never meant to be ungrateful. You certainly didn’t mean to be dramatic or overreact. You knew perfectly well that it could always be worse. You asked yourself, “Am I ungrateful? Am I too negative?" And yet, another part of you might have felt angry. Because you knew you weren’t those things. But if that anger wasn’t seen and understood, it had nowhere to go. It stayed inside of you - probably turning into anxiety and self-criticism over the years.

To be perfectly fair, yes - we shouldn’t be negative and we should be grateful for what we have. Absolutely true. But there is a big difference between being “negative and ungrateful” and simply allowing yourself space to feel what you feel. You can feel upset that you didn’t get a promotion, and also grateful for your income and a roof over your head. You can complain about your boss’s condescending emails and still overall be a positive person. No one is just one thing, all the time. We are all human beings, allowed to be human. If you struggle to allow yourself to be human, it’s probably because you rarely were allowed to be growing up. You were expected to be perfect, to smile, to be happy, and to achieve, and anything less was not acceptable. You weren’t loved for who you were - you were accepted for being a version of yourself that others wanted you to be.

Sometimes people can use this for toxic outcomes. Some people will use this to manipulate, saying they should be free to say and do hurtful or insensitive things because it’s part of their personality, or that they should be free to express their emotions even if it hurts others. This is not what I mean. This is part of what makes complex trauma so complex. Overall, you feeling and expressing emotions should never be hurtful to others. But unfortunately, some deeply wounded people will twist this into saying that you hurt them when all you were doing was expressing a truth that they didn’t like. Again, this can be very complicated. These are nuances that I will gladly unpack with you in therapy so we can really get a sense of what’s what. But, overall, here are the questions I would like to pose to you:

What if you’ve been right all along?

What if the ways you felt hurt and angry in the past were actually very valid?

What if it was never you being “dramatic” or “oversensitive”?

What if your emotions, your instincts, and your gut feelings have always been and continue to be information you can trust?

I understand that these questions are loaded. I understand that there are no simple answers to any of this. I can’t say it enough: this is what makes complex trauma so complex.

If you are a survivor, you are likely so brave and so resilient. You are likely so tired and wanting - or needing - empathy, support, and rest.

May you have so much compassion and grace for yourself, as you wonder if just maybe you’ve been right all along.