Personal: Adoption from foster care
As a therapist, I generally specialize in complex and attachment trauma. But I feel the need to take some time to write about another issue so near and dear to my heart, and that’s adoption from foster care. It goes hand in hand with complex and attachment trauma, though often manifests a little (or a lot) differently from how other complex trauma cases may present if early attachments were not disrupted and fragmented.
That’s a lot of clinical speak, and if it doesn’t make sense that’s okay. For now, I just want to talk a little about my experience with adoption from foster care and how it affects my therapeutic practice.
I adopted my girls from foster care. They were in foster care for about 3 years before they came to live with us at ages 8 and almost 7. The foster family was committed to them and took care of them, but could not commit to adoption. There were no members of their biological family who were able to adopt them, so they became available for outside families wanting to adopt. Based on the girls’ histories, needs, and personalities and our family’s values and lifestyle, we were chosen from a handful of other families as the best fit for them.
What can I say about the experience? Well, it has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced or imagined. My girls suffered severe abuse and neglect during their first few years of life, and it has impacted them greatly - though very differently. My oldest has had many outward behaviors because of her trauma, and my youngest has tended to internalize more. My oldest has been through many different school placements trying to find the right fit, and my youngest has often floated under the radar while her sister commanded most of the attention. Obviously, there is so, so much more I can say about all of this, and so many ways our girls have been affected emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, academically, and so many other ways because of all of this.
As a therapist, though, this experience has broadened my understanding of my clients’ perspectives by a million. Most of my clients tend to be more like my younger daughter, internalizing emotions and keeping their needs to themselves because there was always someone with louder, more obvious needs competing for attention. I can reflect to these clients how significant the deprivation of their needs has been, because I see it so clearly in my daughter. I see so clearly in her what it does to her confidence when I spend intentional time with her, reflect positive observations to her, and help her get the help and resources she needs. I see how much my older daughter struggles when not the center of attention, because it’s so different from what she’s always known, and I work with her to understand what’s being triggered in her and how to tolerate these emotions without resorting back to toxic, attention-seeking behaviors. I see how quickly my younger daughter jumps to please her sister, often sacrificing what she wants to make her sister happy, and also how this pattern comes up with classmates and friends too. I see how many of my older daughter’s toxic behaviors are rooted in anxiety, fear, and sadness, and we work to understand these feelings and feel them so she can make choices she’s proud of.
My girls are now 10 and 11, and I am so, so, so proud of them. They have both come so far and are the most amazing people. We still have so much we’re working through and so much growing in progress, but my experience with them has really solidified two major things: 1. Growth and healing are possible, for even the most hurt people, and 2. Growth and healing take a long time and so much patience and practice! Some days we take one step forward and two steps back because their old survival mechanisms are so strong. And if my girls’ survival mechanisms are so strong, at such young ages, I hope that validates how strong yours might be after engaging in them for multiple decades.
There is SO, SO much more I can say about all of this. If this sparks your interest, though, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We might be a good fit to work together!
