Healing trauma when you don’t want to think about it, feel it, or remember it
This should come as no surprise, friends: healing trauma is hard. It can be so heavy. And to tell you the truth, many people choose to never, ever do it. Whether intentionally or not, many people avoid interacting with their trauma. They avoid feeling it, thinking about it, or even acknowledging that it exists. For very good reasons! If you don’t know what to do with it or don’t have the right support to process through it, trying to heal trauma on your own - or with the wrong therapist - can sometimes feel nearly as bad as experiencing it in the first place. Often, you feel overwhelmed by the same emotions over and over, and you don’t know what to do with them. This is what happens when we want to heal, but we just aren’t sure how.
I have so much respect for people who have realized that their old ways of dealing with trauma - avoiding it, distracting from it, suppressing it - are not working anymore, and have the courage to come to therapy. They don’t necessarily want to talk about their trauma, and they definitely don’t want to relive it or feel all the feelings associated with it. But they need something to change. They’re tired of life weighing them down. They’re tired of living with such anxiety and avoidance and needing to be busy and distracted at all times to feel okay. I have so much respect and admiration for people like this, because to admit this to yourself and choose to do something about it is a huge step, and it’s an honor I take so seriously when someone chooses to share it with me.
Sometimes, people come to me ready to jump right into the heavy work, but often, people need to move slowly. Even for those who want to be here and truly want to heal and grow, it can be so difficult for our protective parts to feel safe enough to let our guards down and be vulnerable. I’ve experienced this myself: in the days leading up to my therapy session and on my way to the appointment, I’m going over in my head all I want to talk about and I can’t wait to get it all out and be heard. Then, when I get there, my mind goes blank. I can’t recall what I wanted to say, or I say the words but I don’t feel connected to them. These are our protective parts, friends, and they’re just trying to keep us safe. While one part of us so deeply wants to be seen, heard, and understood, another part is so afraid. It’s afraid of being judged, misunderstood, rejected, dismissed…you name it. It takes time, patience, and lots of self-compassion to get to a point where you can show up and freely say everything you need to.
This is why, for the first few months, my main focus is on establishing rapport and felt safety. I want you to look forward to our sessions, whether you know what you want to talk about or not. The first few months are about creating the habit of showing up and building the predictability of our sessions. You will show up, ideally, at the same time each week, and my space will always look and feel the same. I will show up with a predictable calm, regulated presence. Your nervous system will gradually relax and become more open, and you will learn that you can trust me and our space together.
Over time, as you feel safe, your nervous system will know what it needs. You will find your self-esteem and confidence increasing simply because you are regularly heard, seen, and understood. You will start to question yourself less and trust yourself more. You will begin to trust that you can tell me anything that feels important, no matter how small or silly it may feel to say it out loud…or you will begin to trust me with things that are actually huge, overwhelming, and that you’ve never really shared with anyone. Over time, it will feel less difficult to say what you need to say.
When you feel safe with me and with our therapeutic space, your nervous system’s needs will gradually and naturally work their way to the surface. Sometimes you’ll show up with a whole plan of what you need to talk about that day. Other times, you won’t have a plan, but you’ll feel at ease just knowing you get to show up. Both are perfectly fine, and it’s normal and expected that you’ll experience a mix of these kinds of sessions. But what can be very common with complex trauma is feeling anxious, or maybe even shameful, to bring up what you really need to. Maybe it’s a subtle feeling that won’t go away, or a person who pushes your buttons no matter how much you can rationalize the situation. Maybe it’s something you’re embarrassed is “still” bothering you because we’ve already talked about it and yet it’s still sitting heavily with you. Maybe there was a tiny interaction that left you spiraling and you can’t figure out why. One of my strategies will be to notice experiences like this and help you begin to trust when you’re picking up on something. We will work on understanding the tension that occurs when the nervous system senses something, but the logical mind wants to dismiss it, rationalize it, or do anything that causes you to not get what you need. We will work on slowing down enough to sit with what we notice and be curious about it long enough to determine if there’s something we need that we’re not getting.
What if there are things you just don’t want to talk about? Or maybe, you want to talk about, but don’t want to be forced? No problem. I am here to go where you need to go. Your nervous system will tell you when you’re ready, and my job is just to attune to it (and, over time, help you attune to it more effectively!). On a fundamental, human level, we all want to be seen and heard. When you and your nervous system feel like a space, and a person, are safe to share the difficulties with, you will know it. It won’t necessarily feel easy, but you will be supported, listened to, and not judged every step of the way. Sometimes I may wade in to see where you’re at, and if I sense it’s too much, I’ll pull back. I am not here to throw you into a deep end when you’re not ready to swim. I’ve had that happen to me before in therapy, and it made me not want to go back. That’s the last thing I want for you. If you’re here and you’re committed, I want you to feel the results. I want you to feel more confident, less anxious, and more whole. I want you to have the life you want and deserve, and I will be here to help you build it for as long as you need me to.
I’ve seen my clients grow, heal, and become free, and it’s such an amazing honor. If you are searching for this, please reach out.
