I apologize that this post is coming quite a bit later than I’d planned. Ironically…or not…it’s been delayed because of my “toxic” child.
Please know that I love my daughter more than anything and she is an absolutely amazing person. She just has some really difficult, long-ingrained habits that kick in when her brain and body get triggered into survival mode. October is typically a challenging month for her, as it coincides with anniversaries of some of her biggest traumatic memories. This past month required a little more from me than usual, and I didn’t have energy to spare beyond seeing clients and caring for my family.
In my last post about parenting your toxic child, I wrote about how to strengthen your overall relationship with your child and help build their self-esteem so that, over time, they can gradually choose to become their best selves instead of resorting to toxic habits. But also, the daily stress of parenting a child like this is so real, and some of us may just be trying to survive. I’ll give it my best shot to give you some practical tips and tools for getting through our children’s most toxic moments.
When I say “toxic moments,” this is what I mean: when our children are so caught in their survival brain, they are not acting like themselves. They are lying, manipulating, denying responsibility, blaming others for their behavior, denying the truth even though you saw it with your own eyes.
If you haven’t read “The Whole Brain Child” by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, I highly recommend it. They explain how to tell when our child is in their “upper brain” vs. their “lower brain.” The upper brain is when they are acting from a conscious place and can choose to stop if they want to. The lower brain is when they are in pure survival mode, and they really need help stopping and regulating.
With our kids’ toxic behaviors, it can be really tricky to tell which headspace they’re coming from. Most of the time, it’s probably some of both. I do think there is a degree to which they are in control of their actions, but another degree to which this is coming from a place of such deep fear, shame, and survival, that they truly have no idea what they’re doing and saying. Often, after my daughter comes out of a toxic headspace, she struggles to remember what she said and did. Sometimes I know she could remember if she tried, but she puts it out of her mind because she feels ashamed or embarrassed of how she acted. As parents, it can be so hard to navigate this. Our kids’ feelings are valid, but their actions are not. It is such a difficult line to walk between offering empathy and validation, but not enabling toxicity.
Some tips for getting through these really tough moments:
Ground yourself. Let’s face it: our kids’ toxic parts want to push our buttons, and they sure know how to. They know exactly what to say to get reactions and push us over the edge. As triggered and angry as we become, we have to be the adults here. We don’t need to stay perfectly calm, but we do need to remain grounded in ourselves and our values. We need to remember who we are, what kind of parent we want to be, who our child is at the core, and what we want to be teaching them. This helps us stay focused on the issue at hand, not get into back-and-forth, power struggles, and saying and doing things we ultimately regret.
You will get mad. You will raise your voice. You will say things you regret. If you are pushed hard enough, you may even want to hit them.
As ashamed, regretful, or embarrassed as you may feel afterwards about this, it’s so important to let yourself reflect on it and process the experience. You will want to put it out of your mind and vow never to do it again, but rest assured, when parenting a child from trauma, it will happen again. So instead of pushing it away, let yourself sit with it. Try to understand what triggered you so deeply and make a plan for next time - because there WILL be a next time. Talk to your partner, a close friend, or a therapist if there is a particular trigger you find yourself stuck in.
You feel intense shame and regret because you care and you know you are better than this. You also know your child is better than this. You’re both just stuck and trying to survive.
Let yourself feel the shame and regret. Learn from it. Plan for next time. Remind yourself of your values and your child’s heart and capability. All of this will help you stay grounded during future episodes.
Remind yourself of who your child is at their best. Remind yourself that they don’t want to be this way, but they feel that they have to be. Or that the habit is so ingrained, they just automatically go back to it when triggered.
On that same note, remind your child of who they are. Begin to introduce multiple realities and options to them. Help them start to build awareness of when they slip into their toxic part. Ask them: “Do you want to try that again?” “Is that really how you want to act?” “Is there a better way we could communicate that?” Or simply, “I know you’re better than this.” “I know you can use your words better than that.” Help them begin to view their actions as a choice instead of an automatic response. Remind them that you believe they can do better than this and they don’t have to be hurtful, scream, or whine to be understood.
Take breaks. I struggle with this when I am activated. And if your kid is like mine, breaks may not always be an option. Some kids struggle so much to be alone with their difficult emotions, that when you try to step back and collect yourself, they simply will not let you. They’ll do things to get attention and pull you back in (when we’ve taken breaks, my daughter has tried to put her fingers in electrical outlets, climbed onto the roof, and taken the screen out of her second-floor window and pretended she was going to jump out). If you have a parenting partner around to help, let them take over for a bit so you can take some breaths and collect your thoughts. But if your child can be alone without causing major destruction, take the break. You won’t regret pausing and collecting yourself, but you may regret what you say and do if you don’t.
If you can’t take a break…at least take a breath. Remind yourself of who your child is at their best. Remind yourself that they don’t want to be this way and they don’t really want to hurt you. Remind yourself that they are scared, confused, and angry about things that happened long before you ever met them. Remind yourself that you will get through this. Maybe even try sitting down when everything in you wants to scream. If your kid is pushing your buttons for a reaction, then try throwing them off by doing the opposite. If you can.
Think long-term. Sometimes, we parents want to tell our children things to scare them straight. For example, we might say, “If you treat people this way in life, no one will like you.” Or, “If you lie, you won’t have any friends.” This actually isn’t necessarily true. Our kids from trauma are survivors who can actually be extremely charming, likeable, and charismatic. They can win people over very easily. It’s maintaining relationships that becomes challenging for them. It’s building friendships that go deeper than the surface.
I’ve found it much more effective to be really honest: “In life, you can choose to treat people poorly. You can choose to lie, manipulate, and not take responsibility for your actions. You always have that choice. You won’t have many friends that stick around, but you can always find new friends. You can keep circling through friends over and over forever if that’s how you choose to be.” It feels harsh, maybe, but what this does is show her that she actually does have a choice in how she treats people. She CAN act this way as long as she wants to. It won’t lead to a good life of long-term, fulfilling friendships, but it is an option.
It’s hard to be this direct with kids. We feel bad for doing so. It’s so hard to break these deeply wired habits, but we don’t do our kids a service by sugarcoating this or avoiding the truth. The sooner they can become aware of these patterns in themselves, the sooner they can start to practice new habits. Then, the longer they have to enjoy the results.
This may be a controversial opinion, but I’ve seen that kids from trauma are often far too enabled. They’re given free passes from being good humans because they’ve been through trauma. While intentions may be honorable when they’re kids, they will be in for very rude awakenings when they grow up - and even sooner. My 12-year-old has already seen kids stop wanting to play with her because she has struggled to respect their boundaries. She’s already seen her sister have more friends, be invited to more birthday parties, and generally have more privileges because she listens and cooperates more easily. I can let my daughter wallow in the “unfairness” of this, or I can help her understand why this is happening and empower her to be her best.
This is an immensely fine tightrope to walk - helping our kids learn and accept the hard truths about life, help them learn and implement the proper social skills to make and keep friends, empathizing with and validating their feelings about why this is so hard for them, seeing and accepting and celebrating who they are - because some of them are also just more spirited, strong-willed kids! I have no doubt that even if I had given birth to my oldest daughter, she would still be an absolute force that challenged me every day. It’s just part of who she is. But “strong-willed” does not equal hurting, lying, cheating, and manipulating. I want her to use her strong voice respectfully, stand up for others who need help, and advocate for justice. Basically, I want her to use her powers for good, not for evil. Again, it’s a tightrope to walk!
If you’re parenting a child who is a force, you’re not alone. If you’re parenting one who’s learned some really toxic habits, you’re not alone. Breathe through the bad moments, and celebrate EVERY win. Reflect back to them every time you see them choosing to do the right thing. Let them realize how much better it feels. Chances are, no one has ever done this for them before.
