Parenting your toxic child

Here is a very sad, very unfortunate, but very true reality: kiddos who have experienced trauma can be extremely toxic people to live with.

I hate saying that. But for us parents, I believe that admitting truths to ourselves helps us understand the situation fully and take appropriate actions.

When talking about kids in the foster system, we talk about their trauma in its “obvious” forms: abuse, neglect, drugs, deaths, incarcerations, domestic violence. While all of these are extremely traumatic, we often underestimate the significance of the much more subtle traumas these kids come with: emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation.

From early on, our kids learned to be survivors…by whatever means necessary. They observed their early caregivers lie, cheat, manipulate, deny responsibility and blame others for their misfortunes. Our kids, as small as they may have been when they witnessed this, still picked up on these patterns. And no matter how many years it’s been since our kids have lived in this environment, those habits stick. They are far more difficult to rewire than I think many of us understand.

When our kids are at their best, they can be kind, empathetic, sensitive, creative, and every other amazing quality you can name. We see these qualities in them and we praise them. It’s essential to. Because our kids have another side to them, and when it gets triggered it becomes really ugly. This is the side that, no matter how rationally you speak to them, their brains will convolute and distort and believe a different reality. This is the side that will fight to the death - no matter how many privileges you revoke, how angry you get, how many possessions you take away - they won’t care. It won’t stop them. This is the side that will say the most hurtful things. This is the side that will activate everything in your nervous system and you find yourself angrier than you knew was possible to be.

The most rational, best parts of our children do not want to be this way. But in those moments, the other part is so real to them. It shocks me at times how real it becomes. It shocks me that my amazing, kind, intelligent, sensitive child can become so selfish and hurtful and toxic.

I don’t know if I have good advice for you, other than to say I get it. I thought we were past it for the most part, but my daughter didn’t sleep well the other night, and in her tiredness, her toxic part reared its ugly head. I also believe puberty plays a significant role in this for a lot of kids - as their hormones are raring, their emotional regulation goes haywire. And, of course, general triggers play a role. If your child is sad, angry, anxious, overwhelmed, or afraid, you can expect to see this part flaring up. Same thing with happiness - depending on the child - they might not be used to positive family memories and feel that part pushing them to screw things up.

So, I guess this is my advice: look for every opportunity to gather evidence of who your child actually is - their best parts. Notice all of the good things about them and praise them for all of it. Help them begin to notice these qualities in themselves, so they can start to see that there is more to them than being a screw-up.

I know this may feel like the hardest thing in the world to do when you’re so mad and hurt by your child’s actions. And rest assured, I am not saying to sweep your feelings under the rug and pretend you’re not upset for the sake of trying to build your child up. They do need to understand how their actions affect people. This is part of helping them be a good human. If you are hurt and upset, take time to care for yourself.

But look for opportunities to praise them and truly enjoy their presence. Let them know you enjoy and want to be around them. It’s hard to believe from our kids’ tough exteriors, but there is so much fear, shame, and vulnerability beneath their hurtful actions. Sometimes, they truly believe they are bad people and have no choice in life but to be bad. We have to give them opportunities to notice what it also feels like to be good.

Praise the littlest things. Point out how it was kind of them to help a small kid reach the monkey bars, or that the kids at the playground were smiling and laughing while playing with them. Tell them you had fun making dinner or working in the garden with them (if you truly did - don’t lie if you didn’t). Praise their improved handwriting, the effort they made to style their hair nicely, thank them for listening the first time if that’s something they struggle with. Don’t take for granted the good things they do! And on your most frustrating days, still look for opportunities that indicate growth. Maybe they tried harder to communicate their feelings, or they screamed and stamped their feet but didn’t break anything. Maybe they apologized faster than they have in the past, or they even apologized at all. Maybe they didn’t shut down like they did before. And point these out to your child. Say, “Even though I was frustrated with you today, I really appreciated that you tried hard to use your words.” These little things matter more to your child than you might think.

And of course, when we make mistakes and we owe our children apologies, do it swiftly, clearly, and directly. This models for them how to take responsibility and make things right, which is likely something they’ve not learned before. And if another one of your children hurts your “toxic” child, have them apologize and validate the child’s feelings. Our “toxic” children can feel ganged up on sometimes, which makes them even more defensive, so we want to look for ways to show them that we have their backs, too.

What to do in the midst of a toxic episode, when you’re angrier than you’ve ever been? That’s a topic for another post. I’ll work on it and get that up as soon as I can!