Going back and nurturing the younger parts
If you are a foster or adoptive parent, you have more than likely heard that it’s so important to go back and nurture our children’s younger parts that experienced trauma. We know that children who experience trauma can have developmental delays. This can be due to parental neglect, exposure to chronic stress, or being forced to bear responsibility far beyond their years. For so many reasons, children who end up in foster care have not developed in ways that a healthy, thriving child should.
We’ve heard that it can be necessary to “go back” and nurture younger parts that didn’t develop properly when they were younger. But what exactly does this mean, and what kind of flexibility should we expect to give? How do we know when the flexibility is no longer productive? These are great questions.
It depends so much on the kid. I can speak best here from personal experience. While both my girls have needed to go back and nurture younger parts, there are different things I allow for each of them. Some things that are healing to one would be counterproductive for the other, and vice versa. It depends on the kid, their personal experiences, what’s been expected of them in the past, and what’s missing now.
For example, one of my daughters had big, difficult behaviors in the past, and her former foster family - who I’m sure was just trying to survive - gave in and enabled these behaviors. She learned that she didn’t need to use words to ask for what she needed, she could throw tantrums and refuse to cooperate and eventually get what she wanted, that refusing to move her body and listen would get her out of anything she didn’t want to do. The family would give her anything she wanted to keep her moving - candy, the iPad - if she complied, she got a reward.
For this daughter, it’s been essential to establish and maintain clear boundaries. But when she came to us at 8 years old, we had to do this in stages. We couldn’t establish the boundaries we ultimately needed on day 1. First, we had to build trust. We had to allow her to keep acting younger than her age because that was what she knew and felt safe to her. Expecting her to become someone else from day one would have been like expecting a toddler to suddenly mature into an 8-year-old overnight. Obviously, without a solid foundation of trust, any changes we tried to make, anything we tried to teach, was going to backfire.
For the first year, we allowed her to get away with a lot that we knew ultimately would have to change. At first, she wanted us to feed her at the table, clean her up when she had a bathroom accident, indulge her baby talk, push her in a wagon when we went on a walk. We obliged, but looked for opportunities to begin empowering her to be more mature. We began teaching her to use a fork and knife properly, to sit appropriately in a restaurant, to walk in and out of public places without needing to be carried. Was this easy? Absolutely not. It took so much patience, practice, experimentation, and a LOT of flexibility and humor. But my daughter needed to know she was capable. She needed to know she could thrive without acting like a baby.
My other daughter, meanwhile, had to grow up very fast. She was the people-pleaser who fell off the radar while her sister took everyone’s attention. With this daughter, her growth has been less about establishing independence, and more about allowing her to be that carefree child. It’s been about reminding her that she’s just a kid and not responsible for her sister, or anyone besides herself. I’m much more flexible when she wants help brushing her hair, or wants to fall asleep on the couch with us instead of in her bed, because I know this is attention and nurturing she went without for her first 7 years. In our earlier years with her, I even allowed her to suck on a pacifier for a few months because I knew it was something she needed. I would tuck her in and swaddle her because it felt like important nurturing she craved.
Meeting a child where they’re at, while also looking for opportunities to give them what they need to grow, can be such a fine line to walk. The advice I will generally always give parents is to trust yourself. You know your kid best. But I know there are a lot of voices, books, and opinions out there. It can all become so loud and confusing.
Sometimes, you might receive advice about your child that feels confusing and counterintuitive to what you know about them. For example, we were told not long ago by a therapist that my older daughter - who has been enabled to act below her potential for years - needed her “baby” characteristics indulged so she could finally move on from them. The therapist suggested that we allow her to drink from “sippy” cups, put railings on her bed, and play peekaboo. My daughter, now 12, has come along by a million miles since she first came to us, but occasionally she still slips into baby talk - especially when she feels anxious or in a new situation. This therapist was seeing those come out in session because my daughter was feeling vulnerable. When she slips into baby talk at home, we remind her that she doesn’t need to talk like a baby to be taken seriously - we will listen to her even when she uses a strong, clear voice. I knew that indulging her “baby” tendencies wasn’t going to help her. But some kids, during certain parts of their lives, might need something closer to this (I don’t know if it’s ever as extreme as putting railings on their bed and playing peekaboo - but maybe more age-appropriate ways of helping them feel safe at bedtime and nurturing connection through eye contact).
It’s all a tightrope. And sometimes, we just learn what works by experimenting. And all that I can say on this topic is way more than can fit into a blog post.
I love working with parents to figure out different things to try and to help build understanding of their child. And I love sitting with kids and getting to know them to discover their true potential and insight to their needs.
If you need help on this, I am here for you.
