Boundaries and kids (and why they’re so hard)
If you have kids, you know the struggle. It’s been a long day. You’ve given and given and given, and they’re still asking for more. You say no, but they keep begging. They start to melt down. They say you don’t love them. They say, “But Jackson’s parents let him!” You’re exhausted. You give in. You hold the boundary, but feel extremely guilty doing so. You lash back at them, saying, “Why are you so ungrateful? Do you know how much more I give you than anyone ever gave me?!” You question your choices constantly. You wonder if you give too much, not enough, if your kids are learning to deal with disappointment or if they’re becoming overly entitled. You wonder if you’re too hard on them, if they’re learning that their voices matter or if they’re becoming people-pleasers like you had to be. The anxieties are endless. The balance is impossible. All the while, you are just doing your best.
Being a parent is SO HARD. Honestly, before I became one, I wondered if it was really as hard as people said it was. And it is. Because every single day, there are a million decisions to make. And every single day, I question at least half of mine if not more.
Why is setting boundaries with our kids so hard? So many reasons. For one, we are influenced by our own childhoods. We remember what it was like to feel like our voices were unheard and our needs dismissed. We never want to repeat those mistakes with our kids. We try to say yes as much as possible, but the things they ask for become so overwhelming.
We also have an instinctive “no” resounding in our heads from when we were children. Our parents said no a lot. No, we can’t order dessert at the restaurant. No, we can’t buy popcorn at the movies. No, we can’t drag each other on blankets across the floor because they’ll get dirty and rip and besides, that’s not what blankets are for. We weren’t allowed to do things, and the not being allowed became hardwired in our brains. The “no” comes out of our mouths before we’ve even slowed down to think about it.
“No” also comes out quickly because kids’ requests, to an overloaded nervous system, can feel like chaos. As parents, we are in survival mode so much of the time. In survival mode, we are focused on getting everyone from Point A to Point B, alive and intact. We need to remember everything, from diapers to toys to snacks to changes of clothes, if you have littles, to sporting equipment and water bottles and money and permission slips, and also snacks and changes of clothes, if you have older kids. Sometimes, in that moment, we simply can not process what our kids are asking, and we absolutely have no capacity to make space for anything that’s not essential. It’s our nervous system quickly reacting out of self-protection because we are at capacity.
On the flip side of this, we can also say “yes” too quickly for the exact same reasons. We are hardwired to make our kids happy. We are hardwired to not see them suffer. We remember what it felt like to be told “no” so often as kids, and we know the anxiety it’s instilled in us to speak up for basic necessities now. We remember what it felt like to see our parents so stressed out and busy and how we felt like a burden for asking for anything, and we feel horrible if we see that cycle repeating in our kids. So, sometimes, we give too much. We give beyond our capacity. We’re running in constant survival mode, and if saying “no” is difficult for us, we may automatically say “yes” without thinking…and then we have no choice but to either force ourselves to follow through, or back down and disappoint them.
It’s so hard. And that, I know, is an understatement.
So, is there a way forward? Is there a way to say no to our kids without excruciating guilt? Is there a way to say yes without feeling like you’re giving up control?
Trust me, I don’t have magic answers. But I have some suggestions that can hopefully help. When deciding how to respond to a kid’s request, ask yourself these questions:
Will this boundary help my child develop an important life skill? So many important life skills can be practiced through the implementation of boundaries: independent play, problem-solving, dealing with frustration and disappointment, conflict resolution, emotional resilience, responsibility. For example, you might not want to play pretend with your child right now, and saying no gives them the opportunity to practice independence and dealing with disappointment, then problem-solve by figuring something else out to do. You might say no to getting McDonald’s for dinner, set limits on screen time, implement chore regimens. These are all extremely important ways of teaching delayed gratification, financial planning and responsibility, creativity and imagination, self-entertaining, creating positive habits around screen time, and learning life skills of cleaning, organizing, and completing non-preferred activities. All of these are also practices in emotional resilience: having to work through disappointment and frustration at not getting your way, contributing to society (starting with your family and household) in a positive way, and making the best of situations we’d rather not be in. To not say no and set limits robs your kids of the chance to become really cool, resilient, problem-solving humans.
Can this be an opportunity for me to model healthy boundaries? Parenting, so often, means endlessly giving. Sometimes we feel guilty if we sit down with a book while the kids play independently, or don’t volunteer for the school field trip, or even treat ourselves to something new without also buying something for them. It’s a gift to show kids that parents are human too. That way, as they grow up, they will understand the importance of saying no themselves. When they have kids one day, they won’t be overwhelmed wondering how their mom did it - they’ll know how she did it, because they saw her take care of herself, too. They won’t be afraid to come to you asking for help, because they know you won’t judge them for needing it.
Will I be resentful or depleted if I give in to this? We’ve heard the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” Parenthood disproves this. But, honestly, we already need to pour from an empty cup so often as parents, that we don’t need to force ourselves to do it if we don’t have to. Honestly, you can just say no because you don’t want to. If your kids are fed, bathed, clothed, warm, educated, and overall happy, you are doing great. You probably need to fill your cup more than they need anything extra right now.
Communicating the boundaries, and then holding them when they protest, can be one of the hardest parts. Remind yourself as much as you need to that, even though they’re upset right now, you are doing your best. Remind yourself of the life skills you want them to develop through the implementation of this boundary. And if something in your gut feels off, be curious about it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your boundary was wrong, but maybe it could be tweaked a bit. Maybe this situation just feels triggering to you because you aren’t used to saying no. Pay attention to how the kids respond…not immediately, but after they’ve had some time to process and move through it. Do they bounce back and move on? Then chances are, the boundary was just fine.
I can’t emphasize this enough: THIS TAKES PRACTICE. It won’t come naturally if you’ve been a people-pleaser or struggled to say no your whole life. It won’t come easily if your parents were strict and set severe limits with no explanations. It will feel clunky and you will definitely make mistakes. You will definitely feel like this backfires at times. Be curious about all of it. See what you can learn from all of it. Slow yourself down, reflect on what you said and how they responded, and see what stands out. This takes so much curiosity and so much patience and so much self-compassion…skills that many of my clients are learning for the first time. It won’t be perfect.
I have so much more I can say on this subject. It’s quite overwhelming to try to simplify and generalize a topic like this into a blog post, but I love to work on specific examples with clients in sessions. If you’ve been feeling stuck in this area and this post resonates with you, please reach out.
